


The way I feel tonight

by MsMxyzptlk



Category: Jahar Tsarnaev
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Strong Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-26 23:49:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/971737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMxyzptlk/pseuds/MsMxyzptlk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The inspiration for this story is the song “The Way I Feel Tonight,” written by Harvey Shield. Copyright rules are strict for quoting song lyrics, but you can find them by typing this in your preferred search engine: "the way i feel tonight lyrics". I suggest that you read the lyrics before you start on this story.</p>
    </blockquote>





	The way I feel tonight

**Author's Note:**

> The inspiration for this story is the song “The Way I Feel Tonight,” written by Harvey Shield. Copyright rules are strict for quoting song lyrics, but you can find them by typing this in your preferred search engine: "the way i feel tonight lyrics". I suggest that you read the lyrics before you start on this story.

I nudge the logs in the fireplace with the poker, hoping they’ll burn as bright as the fire inside my body...which would burn through the fucking roof if it was real. 

This is the first time I’d ever tended an indoor fire. I never lived anywhere with a fireplace before. This room, in a one-hundred-and-eighty-year-old house turned bed-and-breakfast in Marblehead, was a Christmas gift from my friend Frankie. “Jizz, my nigga, a special occasion deserves a special room,” he told me. 

He even swung a bottle of red wine – pinot noir, he said – and two elegant-looking glasses that looked like half-moons on narrow stems. I guess he “forgot” to tell the owners how old the guests really were. 

_Don’t worry, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I won’t say in my Yelp review that you gave a free bottle of wine to a nineteen-year-old and an eighteen-year-old...though I might mention the, ahem, interesting cheese slices. What’s the one with the gray cracks in it?_

Orange sparks rise from the logs, and I back away slightly – not only from instinct but to protect my black satin robe, which was the only thing covering my nudity. 

I always thought I would have a black satin robe...when I grew up, like when I was thirty or something. But I made sure I had one for tonight. 

The most important night of my life. 

The night I make love with my girl for the very first time. 

Notice I didn’t use the word “fuck.” 

We are NOT going to _fuck_ , dude. 

Fucking is for fun. Fucking is what you do when a girl at a party smiles at you a certain way and tilts her head toward a spare bedroom...or a closet. Fucking is what you do with a friend who is a girl (as opposed to a girlfriend) in the back seat of your car because you both have an itch to scratch. Fucking is what you _want_ to do with that cute girl on TV, or the sweaty chick with her legs wide open on your computer. 

You do not _fuck_ the girl who holds your heart in her hands. 

I know there’s a lot I don’t know, but I do know that. 

Girls think we’re the strong and steady ones. They think we’re so cool, so cocky. They think we’ve got it all figured out. 

No way. 

Some of them think we’re all about the sex, thinking with our dicks. 

If tonight was just about me getting off, I’d just stay home and rub one out. 

But it’s not about me tonight. It’s about _her._

She hasn’t done it before. (I let her know that having a guy stick his finger up _there_ at age sixteen doesn’t count.) 

That’s a HUGE responsibility for me. 

What I do tonight will not only change how she feels about me. It will change how she feels about sex...and guys in general. 

If I fuck this up, she might become a lonely lady with fifty cats for company. 

Man, can’t have that. 

I hear a creak, and stand up. These old doors sure sound off. 

She’s coming back into the room. In bed-and-breakfast places, you might have to share a bathroom with the whole floor. She just took a shower and changed into her robe and nightgown. 

“Oh, Jahar...” 

She moves towards me, and I put the poker back in its rack before she embraces me. Damn, she smells so sweet... 

“Guess what soap I used?” 

“Um...” I place my nose on her neck. “Honeysuckle?” She uses the best-smelling soaps. 

“Close. It’s orange blossom.” 

“Smells awesome. As always.” 

“Wow. That’s a nice fire you started.” 

“Thanks. I’m glad I learned how to start one through camping with my brother.” I have a thought. “Maybe we should try camping...once the weather gets nice again.” 

We’re on winter break now, and the world outside the windows is snowy and icy and slushy. It’s the best time to be in a room with a fireplace...and your girl...and all the promise that contains. 

But once again, what if I fuck up? 

Like my bud Jordy, who was so excited about making love to his girl for the first time that he Tweeted about it...while it was happening. 

Or Tomas, who told his girl that she was about to meet the “Pussy Wrecker,” AKA his dick. 

Or Aslan, whose girl made him promise to pull out because they didn’t have rubbers on hand...but he “forgot.” (She kicked his ass into the middle of next week...but seriously, I can’t blame him. How the fuck does a dude pull out right before he comes? I don’t think I can...that’s why I _always_ make sure condoms are on board.) 

I won’t make those mistakes...but there are plenty of others I can make. 

“Your fire’s so warm. I feel like taking off my robe.” 

“Well, don’t let me stop you.” 

She takes off her fluffy pink robe. Instead of a black bra and panties, or a red satin negligee, she wears a loose white cotton nightgown which comes to right above her knees. 

She could have worn a trash bag and she still would have blown my mind...but I love her choice. It’s just like her. The material is soft, flowy, free...and a wee bit transparent; I can see where her nipples are darker than her breasts. She looks like a fairy princess without the wings. 

“Here.” I go to the bed and pick up two of the pillows. I drop them on the floor in front of the fireplace, creating instant seating. 

“Come.” I take her hand in mine and lead her to her “seat,” as if we were in a fancy restaurant. She sits daintily on the pillow. 

“Thank you, Jahar.” 

I put the tray with the wine, glasses, and cheese plate between us. 

“May I interest you in a – “ I pick up the wine bottle. “—2011 A-ca-cee-ah Pinot Noir?” It was spelled Acacia.

“Yes, you may.” 

I stare at the bottle, with its tightly sealed label and cork. Truth be told, I’d never actually opened a bottle of wine before. Not a corked bottle. (I had a strange feeling that MD 20/20 didn’t count.) The bed-and-breakfast had provided a corkscrew, but it might as well have been some weird sci-fi gadget to me. 

“Excuse me, baby.” 

I thought I would have my phone off while I was here, but I need to make an emergency search. As it turns out, it’s not that hard to use the corkscrew, even though it takes me three tries before I separate the cork from the bottle. Real smooth, Jahar.

But she doesn’t seem to notice – or care. I pour wine into the two glasses. When I’m done, there’s still some wine left in the bottle. I plug the cork back in and raise my glass. 

“To tonight,” I say, touching my glass to hers. 

“To us,” she murmurs. 

I take a swaggle of the wine. It doesn’t have the sudsy kick of beer, or the bitter wickedness of booze. It’s a gentler path to drunk, tasting like plums and roses. 

Fruit and flowers. As sweet as my girl. 

We spend the next half hour drinking our wine and nibbling on the cheese slices (which are all good – even the one with the gray cracks in it. This may have spoiled us for Velveeta.) We talk about all of the silly shit going on in our lives that we probably won’t remember next week. We try to decide whether or not to go to Jordy’s New Year’s Eve party (she’s leaning towards it just being the two of us, and I surprise myself by agreeing. Where did Party Hearty Jahar go?) 

She tilts her head back and giggles. She’s already drunk more than half her glass, and already she’s feeling it. 

I’d better cut her off. When she drinks too much, she doesn’t act the fool like _some_ people I know (cough*Jahar*cough). She just curls up like a little kitten and goes to sleep. 

Now, that’s cute most of the time, but I can’t have her pass out before...well, before I show her how I feel. 

“Hey.” I take the glass from her and place it back on the tray. “Baby.” I place my hand on her thigh – very lightly – and I lower my head, closing my eyes. 

I can hear her draw in her breath. She knows what it means when I lower my head and close my eyes...and touch her at the same time. 

When I open my eyes again, I look straight at her, into her precious soul. Sometimes, I lick my lips. Sometimes, I let out a sigh.

But always, I lean forward...ever so slowly...tilting my head so my big nose doesn’t bump into hers...and I brush my lips against hers. 

To start. 

She smiles. 

“Jahar...” 

The sound of her sweet little voice calling my name gets my motor running. My hand reaches for her neck and gently pulls her head towards me. This time, I take her lips into mine, biting ever so gently. My tongue peeks out and strokes her lips, then reaches into her mouth. She opens for me and covers my tongue with hers. 

Now we’re getting into it. Her arms wrap around my shoulders; mine wrap around her waist. She tells me how hard and strong I am (I could hear that a million times and never get tired of it), and her soft, pillowy breasts press against my chest. 

Now my cock is hard and ready for action. If I was wearing jeans, I’d unbutton and unzip to give it room to grow. Since I’m just wearing a robe, I just look down and notice I’m sticking up and out. 

Yeah. Stand at attention, Not-So-Little-Jahar. In a few minutes, you’re gonna get –

Shit. 

Tonight’s not about you, Not-So-Little-Jahar! 

Well, not completely. You’ll get your satisfaction. 

But not at her expense. 

“I’ve never been in this place before,” I say. 

“Neither have I, but Frankie made an excellent choice. I’ve never been in such a beautiful room...” 

Sometimes, my girl is so damn _literal._

“What I mean is...I’ve never been with a girl that...I’ve cared for this much.” 

Damn, that doesn’t sound right. So the other girls I had sex with, I _didn’t_ care about? 

And the girl I’m looking at now...I don’t just care for her. 

I love her. 

I need her. 

I want all the beauty in the world to come to her tonight. 

“I...I want tonight to be special for you, baby. I want this to be the best memory you ever have. But...I don’t know how. I’m just a stupid kid, one step away from another fuck-up. The last thing I want to do is mess up what we have together.” 

“Jahar...you’re _not_ stupid. And you’re not a fuck-up, either.” 

I can’t help but smile. It’s so cute when she cusses. 

“You’re Jahar. You’re sweet, you’re funny, you’re a little wild, you’re always adorable. I can’t think of anything you could do to ruin this night. I know this is my first time, and perhaps I do need some extra care. But all I need from you...is _you._ Just be Jahar, the Jahar I know and love, and it will be all right.”

_The Jahar I know and love._

She loves me, too. 

My heart just shot off like a rocket. 

She doesn’t need a list of tricks from _Men’s Fitness_ or some other shitty magazine that you always forget when the time comes to actually use them. 

She needs me to show her how I feel tonight.

So I will.

“Um...are you ready?” 

“Yes, Jahar.” 

I pick up the tray with the wine bottle and glasses and now-empty cheese plate and put it back on the table where I found it. She stands up and takes the pillows back to the bed. I look around and turn off all the lights – the fire and the streetlight outside the window make sure we don’t bump into things. 

Except the things we’re supposed to bump into...

Now she’s on the bed, looking at me over her shoulder. She takes the hem of her nightgown and lifts it over her head...revealing her glorious nudity. 

I’ve never seen her so naked before. The most naked we’ve gotten so far was in our shirtless make-out sessions. I already knew her pretty round breasts, whose skin was lighter than the rest of her due to being hidden most of the time (now, if we lived in a place where nude sunbathing was common...). But now I see her adorable ass, which looks like two melons snuggling up to each other. 

I can’t help myself. I get to the bed in two strides so I can rub my hand over that hot booty. She giggles and kisses my nose. I crawl into bed with her, and now we’re on our knees, kissing each other. 

I’m still in my robe, but I don’t want to take it off yet. I don’t want to scare her too soon with the sight of Not-So-Little-Jahar...

She then leans back, almost floating down to the bed. She lets her arms fall across the pillows, like the tender wings of a butterfly. She opens her legs wide. Real wide. 

And I look...

I’ve heard guys say that girl parts are ugly, but they get the job done. I respectfully disagree. (And so do millions of other guys – if not, then why is porn so popular?) 

Objectively speaking, my girl has the prettiest pussy ever. (You’ll have to take my word for it. Unless you’re her doctor, that’s a place you ain’t gonna see.) It’s so dainty and pink and foldy and man, her clit is so big, you can’t miss it like so many guys pretend to do. 

It helps that she’s left it natural down there – no shaving or waxing or adding rhinestones (seriously, what guy wants to bump against pointy-ass rhinestones?) Just lovely, fluffy hair ready to serve its purpose – to act as buffer for when I need to go hard... 

Just thinking of going hard with her fills my dick with pre-cum. 

Chill out, man! Focus on your mission here. 

“Oh, wow.” I gaze at her the way I gazed at the presents under the Christmas tree a decade or so ago. “I can’t believe that’s going to be mine tonight.” 

“Believe it, Jahar.” She arches her hips, opening herself wider. “It’s ready to give you pleasure...” 

My hands reach for the sash of my robe – but I stop. 

Are you going to be that asshole again, Jahar? That asshole who pounces on a girl as soon as she gives the thumbs up and gets himself off without thinking of how _she’s_ gonna get off? 

Doesn’t this girl deserve a good, strong come? 

Hell, yes, she does. 

Well, you know what to do, then. 

I slide down the bed until my face is in front of her pussy. A delicate salty smell touches my nose – it’s like raw oysters, which I love (but not as much as her!). I place my hand over her and use my fingers to open her folds until I can see where she opens. 

I’ve never explored a girl so closely before sex. Never thought about it before. I can’t decide whether to regret my thoughtlessness in the past or be glad that my first look this way is of my darling girl.

Get out of here, past. I’ve got the present to take care of. 

Tonight, that means sticking my tongue out and licking her pink from bottom to top. 

She giggles.

“What are you doing, Jahar?”

I look up at her and raise my eyebrows. 

“Pleasin’ my girl.”

I go to work on her, licking the opening of her pussy before moving up to her clit. Now, don’t think I’ve _never_ gone down on a girl before. It was usually after the main event (so I wouldn’t feel so bad about coming first), or was the event itself in a 69 situation, if she wanted to keep calling herself a virgin.

One of the best cocksuckers I’ve ever known got married at nineteen to a conservative Muslim and honestly entered her wedding bed a virgin. That’s how it’s defined in the dictionary – virginity means not having had sexual intercourse, or penis in vagina.

I’m so glad the girl under my face wants it _all_ tonight.

My tongue flicks and rubs her precious clit. I feel it stiffen and rise; I heard in my sex-ed class in high school that the clit had erectile tissue just like a cock. (I’m glad that’s _all_ it has in common!) Now she’s getting into it; she’s moaning and thrusting her hips like she wants to fuck my face.

I don’t do what I usually do at this point: turn around and put my dick in her mouth. That’s because: 

a) I can’t hear her moan my name if her mouth is full of Not-So-Little Jahar, and

b) If her pretty lips even _touch_ it, it’s gonna blow. That’s not a threat, it’s a fact. 

c) There’s only one place to take her virginity, and that’s where I’m gonna come tonight.

“Oh, Jahar.” She sounds off like a cat in heat. “Ohhh....ohhh.... _Jahar!_ Oh, _please!”_

Her moans of ecstasy are like the sweetest birdsong to me. The juice is just flowing out of her, and it tastes so sexy and hot, I can’t get enough of it. My cheeks and chin feel the blood rushing down there, making her pussy puffy and tight.

And then, the storm is over. She falls back on the bed, panting. I lift my head. 

She’s never looked sexier. Her hair is all wild, with little strands standing up here and there. Her breasts rise and fall, her nipples peaking with excitement. She is glowing with sweat. Her pussy is now a deep pink...and it’s saying, I’m ready _now._

Hold on. 

“Um, baby...do you want some water?”

“Yes, please.” 

I get out of bed and go to the table, glad that I’d taken the time to fill the tall crystal pitcher they’d provided with ice and water before we got out of our day clothes. I pour water into two matching glasses. It’s not the new-school way to drink water, but it’s so much prettier than those plastic bottles you see every fucking where. 

I give my girl her glass, and she drinks up heartily. I drink, too, getting my whole mouth wet so I can swallow up her essence before I kiss her again. (I don’t know if _she’ll_ think she’s delicious.)

She puts her robe back on.

“Jahar, I need to go back to the bathroom.” 

Of course she would. A glass of wine, a glass of water...

I watch her go down the hall. I notice that I need to use the bathroom, too, but for me the process is simpler. I just open a window. No one’s gonna notice, much less eat, yellow snow at this hour. 

I close the window just as she returns to the room. What timing.

She blushes slightly, and walks back to the bed. She takes off her robe, and lies back...waiting for me. 

The path is clear. In the next few minutes, I’m gonna be in her.

My heart beats so hard, it feels like it’s fighting to get out of my chest and run away.

No running away for you, Jahar – or any part of you, either. Get your shit together! 

I reach into my backpack and grab hold of a small cardboard box. I take it out and show the front to her. It’s a twelve-pack of Magnum condoms. I give her a big-ass grin which is supposed to say, “I’m the man,” but it probably looks like, “I’m so sherm.”

Hey, girl, l got the big-dick rubbers fo’ my big dick!

Before I can embarrass myself any more, I put the box down and reach into the backpack again. I pull out a tube of lube, an unopened one (because seriously, who wants to use lube that’s been opened for somebody else?), and place it next to the rubbers.

As I zip up the backpack, I hear a tearing sound. I turn my head. 

She’s opening the condom box and picking out the first one. 

“Jahar...may I?”

“Sure...” Hell to the yes, baby! 

I walk to the edge of the bed and untie my robe.

“Are you ready to see me, baby?” 

“I’ve been ready for a long time. I’ve been thinking about it since...since the first time I saw you.” 

“Really?”

If I’d known that, I would have taken you to the closet that night! 

No. You’re not the kind of girl a guy takes to the closet. You’re the kind of girl who needs a big bed, no other people around...and a whole night to take care of business.

“Really.” Her eyelashes flutter. “Girls think about ‘down there’, too.”

I knew that already, but it’s nice to hear someone so innocent say so. 

I pull off my robe and toss it on the bed.

My cock went soft between going down on her and now (otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to piss), but it’s getting up there again. It’s not bragging for me to say I have no shame down there. It’s not a mouse or a monster, but just right (one girl said I had the perfect size). It has a nice shape, too – it doesn’t curve or point in weird directions. (And FYI, it’s cut.)

She reaches out and touches it with her fingertips. That’s enough to make it as hard as it can ever get.

“It’s beautiful, Jahar...” 

I want this girl so much! 

Please, baby, get the rubber on before I come right now! 

She’s opening the condom packet. She must have found the one side where you’re supposed to tear. I usually just use my teeth, which is a good way to break a condom (though it hasn’t happened to me yet).

She carefully pulls the condom out and places it in her palm. She opens the lube bottle, unscrews the cap, takes the piece of foil which kept it sanitary out, puts the cap back on, and lets a couple of drops of lube fall into the middle of the condom. 

“I read about this in a magazine. Putting a little lube inside the condom makes it better for the man.” 

Then, she places it at the top of my dick and rolls it down my shaft. Wouldn’t you know, she gets it on the right way the first time. 

Are you _sure_ you’re a virgin, girl?

That’s a question you don’t ask out loud.

Something else you don’t say: If we were going raw tonight, I’d spill before I got one inch inside you. 

It’s so beautiful when a girl tends to your cock before you make love. A thousand years ago, that would mean washing it in water sweetened with rose petals. Today, it means rolling on the condom. 

Now she’s rubbing lube all over the condom...and hot damn, I swear I can feel her warm hands on me, as if there’s nothing at all between us. 

She gets it nice and wet, too. It needs to be. That guy’s finger couldn’t have been that big – nowhere near as big as me.

When my cock looks and feels like it’s made of glass, she leans back until her head touches the pillow. She opens her legs wide. She’s still pink and swollen from coming before. 

She wipes the lube on her hands off on her thighs. She takes my right hand and leads me to her. I kneel between her open legs.

How do I feel now? 

I want to slide into my home. 

I want to feel both of her embraces...the embrace of her arms and the embrace of her pussy. 

_I want to possess her..._

No, that doesn’t sound right. 

Yes, it does. 

The way you feel when you want to make love – it’s not always “nice.” Or polite. Or civilized. 

No matter who you are, you’ve got a need to make love. It’s bred into us. Why else are there seven billion of us – and growing? 

I can tell by the way she looks at me that she needs me to do it, too. Her eyes are wide, taking in every inch of my body...especially my cock. She is telling me, without speaking: _Jahar, I need you inside me._

I need that, too.

I need that more than I’ve ever needed anything else before – and I’m pretty sure that includes air. 

I’m terrified to feel how I’m about to feel.

I know I’m not going to be the same Jahar when it’s over.

The old me will be in pieces, and someone new and strange will take his place...

_She’s worth it._

I come closer to her until I’m hovering directly above her. I take my cock in my right hand. 

I point my cock at her pussy and push my hips forward. 

Here we go. 

My head opens her pink folds. I wince. Even covered, I can still feel the intense heat that shoots down my cock. The head is the part of the cock that gets the most sensation.

Have I ever entered a girl so slowly? No, or else I would remember how good it feels. 

I keep an eye on it as it pushes in. One inch...two...three...

She grunts. 

I stop. 

“You all right, baby?” 

“Yes, Jahar.” 

She opens her legs wider. 

Four... 

She grunts again, even louder...like a baby taking a really big shit. She clenches up at the same time. 

“Baby, am I hurting you?” My words come out fast and anxious.

“No, Jahar, not at all.”

“You sound like...like I’m tearing you apart.” 

“Oh, no! Those sounds mean I’m feeling you. You’re opening me wider than I’ve ever been opened down there. I need you to do it. I want you to go further.” 

“But why are you getting tighter?” 

“Because I’m hungry for you. Please, Jahar...put it in deeper...all the way.” 

Her hands slide down to my ass and push it down. I’m in her enough that I don’t need my right hand down there anymore. I move it up into her hair and lean closer to her. 

The rest of my inches slide in...slowly...she keeps on making those noises... _she’s so fucking hot and tight..._

And then my pubic hair meets hers, and I’m inside all the way. She sighs, and I groan. 

I’ve never felt so good inside a girl – and I haven’t even started thrusting. 

“Jahar.” She looks up at me with shining eyes. “You’re my lover now.” 

“Uh, huh. Your V-card is null and void.” I mimic tossing a card over my shoulder. 

“I’m so glad it’s you who did it. Come here, Jahar.” She pulls me down to her. “Come and love me.” 

I assume the position I usually do when I know it’s going to be strictly missionary. (Why not keep it simple for her first time?) I wrap my arms around her head, let my belly rest on hers, and start to thrust. 

Nice...and slow. 

I give her every inch...and every inch is going crazy for her. Even through the rubber. 

It’s not only because I’m the first cock in there. It’s not even because she’s so tight and twitchy. 

It’s all of her. Everything about her.

Her hair flowing onto the pillow.

Her bright shining eyes looking up at me with total trust...and a pure, gentle love. 

Her mouth letting out little grunts and moans as I move inside her. She doesn’t do what a lot of girls do, which is talk like porn stars. “Oooh...oh, bay-bee...fuck me _hard...”_ Not that those words haven’t worked on me in the past, but...it sounds as fake as a spray tan. 

She’s too innocent to fake anything...and those innocent sounds flow into my mouth, slide down my chest, crawl into my cock and grab me by the balls.

_Oh, God._

* * *

I’m going to explode tonight. 

No joke. 

* * *

The walls of the room fade away...then everything else in it...then the bed beneath us. The light still touches us, but now I can’t tell whether it’s the streetlight, the moon, or the glow of our love. 

I don’t know whether to slow down or go fast. 

My body says, take her, take her hard, get your seed up into her. 

My heart says, I want to stay inside her until the universe falls down on itself. 

My skin is slippery with sweat. So is hers. Usually if I’m this sweaty and I’m not standing outside on a summer’s day, I’m beat. 

But my energy is strong now, and it grows stronger with each thrust. 

I want her, I want her, I want her. 

* * *

These words slip into my ears:

_Jahar_

_I love the way you feel inside of me_

_I’m melting into you, and I can’t stop and don’t want to stop_

_You’re every dream I’ve ever dreamed, every wish I ever hoped for_

_You’re my man_

_MY MAN!_

* * *

Now I know why they call it making love.

It’s not about what you take from her...but what you give. 

I’m giving her the best of myself...my strength, my protection, my attention...my seed...

(Though that’s not going to get to her womb tonight. I hope. But someday?) 

* * *

The head of my cock expands like a sponge dipped in water. 

I know what that means. I’ve crossed the point of no return. I’m going to come. I’m going to come soon, real soon. 

Does she know? Does she know how I feel? 

_Say it, Jahar._

I open my mouth – and I freeze. 

I’m on a string...hanging between the sky and the earth, between my past and my future...between the quiet hum of the ordinary and the screaming light of ecstasy. 

Her hand touches my cheek. It’s wet now. 

Of course it is, I’m sweating.

No...

I’m crying as I make love. 

I’m crying, because I know how precious the world is now. 

It’s not just a place to live in. 

It’s where you found her. 

It’s where you love her. 

It’s where you’re going to explode inside her...right about now...

_Feel it, Jahar._

_Just feel it._

_Don’t be afraid._

The string breaks, and I fall into her. 

* * *

Fall

Fall

Fall

I want

To give her

_EVERYTHING I HAVE_

It shoots out of me at the speed of sound

And it makes a high-pitched wail

Or is that me? 

* * *

Don’t know who or what I am anymore

Am I Jahar

Or everything she’s ever dreamed of? 

* * *

Dream of this, my love. 

A million butterflies fluttering their wings to carry me into your arms

Me, ripping out my heart of gold and handing it to you with bloody hands

A soft, creamy river flowing from me to you, a thread that will connect us for the rest of our lives and beyond

* * *

_Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod_

* * *

I dissolve into atoms so you can breathe me into the adorable house called you. 

* * *

I fall

And land in the softest, sweetest valley

Which I call my woman

My head on her shoulder, my chest on her breasts, my thighs between hers

* * *

I don’t think I can call myself a boy anymore. 

I have someone I would kill for now. 

And die for, too. 

* * *

I love her so much. 

* * *

My hand reaches down, and feels the top of the condom. 

“Hold on, baby.” 

I grip the top of the condom as I pull out, now two-thirds the size I was when I was coming. The condom looks like a loose bag now, my spunk pooling at the bottom. 

I quickly get out of bed, find the little wicker wastebasket, and drop it inside. I don’t want to walk all the way to the toilet to flush it away, and it seems indelicate to toss it out the window. 

I wipe my hands on my thighs, and notice the wine bottle, which is not empty yet. 

“Want to polish off the bottle, baby?” 

“Sure.” Her voice sounds dreamy and sleepy. 

I pour us what’s left of the wine and bring the glasses to the bed. I know we’re taking a chance by bringing red wine so close to the sheets and the quilt...but what the hell. 

We drink wine and kiss, kiss and drink wine. Our lips intoxicate each other...it still feels like a dream. 

But it isn’t. What happened between us was real. As real as it can fucking get. 

We’re going to carry it with us, as long as we live. No matter what happens between us...

What happens between us is that she’s my girl for life. 

If she’ll have me. 

I’m going to sweat blood to make sure she’ll want to.

* * *

“The fire has gone out,” I say. “It’s gonna get cold in this room. Here.” I tug on the quilt. “Get under the quilt with me.” 

She gets up so I can pull the quilt away from the bed. She crawls under it, and I do the same. 

“Come here, my love.” I pull her towards me. “You’ll be sleeping in my arms tonight.” 

She snuggles close to me, close to the warmth I’m only so happy to give her. 

I place my mouth to her ear and whisper these words: 

“The way I feel tonight is...I love you.” 

She lets out a small coo and snuggles close. 

I think I should say more, but I can’t. My mind and my tongue are drifting off to sleep. 

I hope I showed her, at least. 

She picks up my hand and kisses my palm tenderly before she collapses onto my chest. 

Yes. Yes, I did. 


End file.
